Wednesday, September 15, 2010


So I was reading one of my favorite sites recently,, and I noticed a link to a review of MACHETE the new mexploitation flick starring Danny Trejo. The link led me to's GEEKDAD section.

After I read the article I checked out the comments and was shocked to see a parent talking about how the movie might not be appropriate for the average kids due to the boobage, but that hers were jaded to that kind of thing.

Yeah, HERS. The writer of this GeekDAD article was a chick. Kathy Ceceri, to be exact. In looking over Geek "dad" some more, I found two more chicks regularly contributing: Jenny Williams and Corrina Lawson.


Can men have nothing? It's bad enough modern society has protrayed dads as ignorant boobs barely trustworthy enough to carry the shopping bags of their braless, independant women spouses. But now the byotches want to take away our "Dad" title? First it was actress- a word that isn't used anymore in favor of Actor. Now this. What's next, will we all be "Men" regardless of our posture when urinating?

Hey, Wired, if you're that hard up for men to write your articles, feel free to reprint any of my ramblings. Or, if the chicks are threatening you with lawsuits, give them their own "Geekmom" section. I'd tell you to have the balls to stand up to the feminists in your midst, but I'm guessing that phrase has lost it's meaning to you.
(NOTE: Star Wars, it's characters, places and things are all copyrighted and trademarked by Lucasfilm and are referenced herein solely for the purpose of discussion and critique. Please don't sue me George!)

So it struck me this morning, being a dad, married... it's all like Star Wars.

I used to be a single guy, trying to make my way in the universe. I had a best friend I paled around with. Then a Princess came into my life. At least she thinks she's a Princess. And like Leia, while she has no royal standing, her parents treated her like one. Sadly though, after this scruffy looking nerf herder got married, the Princess turned into Jabba the Hut. Now, that's not a fat remark or anything. I'm sure most women would say it was a fat joke. No, I'm referring to Jabba's lifestyle. Laying around, watching others, watching TV... not doing a whole helluva lot.

And just try and screw something up. Your wife may not put a price on your head, but it can sure feel that way.

Then there's the droids. Or "kids", if you prefer. I have a tall golden (haired) kid, and a short, noisy kid. And while this man's best friend may walk on four legs instead of two, doesn't speak english, is covered in fur and annoyingly never leaves my side, she's no Chewbacca. If only dogs could be more like Wookies.

And while you may not be shuttling around some old geezer and a teenager from some backwater Rim world, you probably have the inlaws around a lot.

Being a dad is a lot like being Han Solo. A lot is expected of you. From smuggling the kids off to school in less than twelve parsecs, to having old debts to pay off. Sure, as a Dad, you wanted to be a fancy Jedi, but in the end, you're shooting through life in some piece of junk you've heavily modified, sometimes wishing you could switch the kids off like droids, or that Jabba the Wife really would freeze you in carbonite, so you wouldn't have to listen to the griping anymore.

I suppose there are worse characters you could end up as. I just wish I really did have a good blaster by my side.

Fatherhood Survival Tips: Save Your Breath

Once upon a time, we were all kids. And we often didn't listen to our parents. They griped about it, saying things like "you don't listen, do you?".

Ironically, when we grow up and have kids, they don't listen to us. It's clearly the normal way of the world. Why then do we get so frustrated? Maybe that's normal too.

As a dad you have to learn to save your breath. Take my own encounter this morning with stubborn, ignoring girls:

My oldest (11) does the morning school clothes runway walk, "how does this look, dad?"

It looks 2 sizes too small, I think. Instead, I tell her "that's too small."

"But we JUST bought it! I've never worn ot before!" She whines.

Thus begins a lecture about how she and her mother refuse to buy clothes that fit. Instead they rely on numbers and letters to select clothes. I babble on about how I keep telling them to try clothes on, don't just trust the size label, different clothes are cut diff-

I stop.

"You know, I've told you this multiple times before, and you never listen. Why should I keep telling you. I give up. Wear what you want, but don't complain to me about how your clothes fit, later."

Like when they're too tight, and four hours into school they start getting uncomfortable.

Yeah, that saved my blood pressure. I mean, why tell somebody anything more than twice? If they aren't going to listen, they aren't going to listen. Talking louder only works for the hard of hearing.

Father knows best, but nobody listens. That should be every dad's motto. But there's no since being mad about it- it's a fact of life. Accept it, move on, and have a better day.

Thursday, September 09, 2010

THOR'S DAY RANT: Burning the Koran would be bad!

Fire good. Koran bad.
Why mix good with bad?
Fire gives us steaks, burgers, bread, illumination and warmth. Why would we want to taint it with the Koran?
Take crap, for example. Would you want to throw a turd on a perfectly good fire then stand around and inhale the poo fumes? I sure wouldn't want to.
Oh, and yes, I am equating the Koran to crap. Or rather, a load of crap.
See, as I understand it (and I'm sure I'll be corrected if I'm wrong) the Koran was written from 610 to 632 A.D., according to wikipedia. And this was done after this dude Muhammed claimed an angel, "Jibril", met him and told him what to write.
As a Christian, I gots problems with that. Lots of problems. But I think this passage can explain better than me:
Galatians 1:6-12
I marvel that ye are so soon removed from him that called you into the grace of Christ unto another gospel: Which is not another; but there be some that trouble you, and would pervert the gospel of Christ. But though we, or an angel from heaven, preach any other gospel unto you than that which we have preached unto you, let him be accursed. As we said before, so say I now again, If any [man] preach any other gospel unto you than that ye have received, let him be accursed. For do I now persuade men, or God? or do I seek to please men? for if I yet pleased men, I should not be the servant of Christ. But I certify you, brethren, that the gospel which was preached of me is not after man. For I neither received it of man, neither was I taught [it], but by the revelation of Jesus Christ.
Now, I'm not denying anyone the right to read the Koran. But if I'm really a Christian, I need to be true to my religion and pronounce Islam as false. I'd be some kind of apologetic hypocrite if I didn't. And even if I think the Muslims are all Hell-destined heathens, I have to respect they stick to their guns and don't wiffle-waffle on their false beliefs.
But just because I think the Koran is a load of crap, I'm not going to ruin a perfectly good fire with one. Nor would I wipe my ass with the Koran. And I wouldn't shoot the Koran into space where impressionable aliens might find it and be converted to Islam. No, the only sane method of disposal I can think of for the Koran is a nuclear furnace. Something that reduces it to it's component atoms. Alas, we don't have one of those, so I guess the Korans should just be left alone for now.
But you do what you want with your Koran- just make sure I'm upwind when you do it.

Wednesday, September 01, 2010

Chicken Month!

Holy Chickpeas, Batman! September is National Chicken Month!
Show your clucking pride in this staple American food by devouring one of the juicy little bastards EACH AND EVERY DAY!
For example, my family dined on the King of Chicken, Chick Fila tonight! Chicken sandwhiches! Chicken Nuggets! Chicken Strips! why, our family of four was indirectly responsible for the death of 4 chickens tonight alone!
How you ask? One chicken produces only 2 breasts. We had four sandwhiches (4 breasts) a 3 piece of strips and a 12 count of nuggets. That's at least 4 chicken breasts right there! Take that PETA!
What? How can you eat chicken every day for a month? Not a problem! Me and the kids figured it out on the way home as the delicious scent of all that bird wafted in the car:
Chicken Noodle Soup
Chicken and Rice Soup
Chicken and Dumplings
Chicken Rice
Chicken Nuggets
Chicken McNuggets
Burger King's Chicken Fries
Popeye's spicy chicken
Chicken Strips
Chicken Tenders
Chicken fingers
Chicken Patties
Popcorn Chicken
Chicken Kiev
Shake and Baked Chicken
Home Made Fried Chicken
Chicken Parmesan
BBQ chicken
teriyaki Chicken
Hot Wings
Grilled Chicken
Oven-roasted Chicken
Grilled Chicken Salad
Subway Chicken Sandwich
Sliced Chicken Coldcuts
And don't forget the baby Chickens, mwuhahahahahaha:
Scrambled Eggs
Eggs over Easy
Eggs Sunnyside Up
Boiled Eggs
Poached Eggs
Deviled Eggs
Powdered Eggs
Chicken Salad
WHEW! That's a lot of chicken! So do your part! Don't beak afraid! EET MORE CHIKIN'!


So I was home sick yesterday... not infected by a zombie outbreak, just fighting a little stomach flu. So I turned on the old Xbox and whattyaknow- I got to fight some zombies...
Dead Rising 2: Case Zero, a pay-demo was up for download.
In a word: Definitely buy this for 400 points if you are considering the full game. That's about the cost of an HD rental from XBLive, and it takes about 3 hours (if you knew what you were doing) to race through the storyline.
The Specifics
A couple of years ago, Xbox released "Dead Rising" a "zombie" survival 3rd person game that saw you as a photographer trapped in a Mall (shades of "Dawn of the Dead" trying to gather supplies, rescue others and get the hell out of Dodge- or Williamett (something like that, I forget the exact town name). The game featured typical third person view, but had the nifty feature that you could pick up nearly anything to bash zombies with- cash registers, guitars, benches, even potted plants. And the "zombies" were actually infected humans, controlled by tiny bug-queens that could be captured and squished- causing nearby zombie heads to explode. The game had a super-long plot, featured lots of great gore, and very little firearms.
DR2:C0 is more of the same. The plot is you're a famous motorcycle rider, ala Johnny Blaze. Your daughter got bit by your wife who was already turned. You're giving her shots every 12 hours to keep her from turning. Some asshole steals your truck as you refuel in some po-dunk town, abandoning you and your little girl. You hole up in a gas station, and you have 12 hours to search the town to find more medicine and either wait for the Army to show up, or find another vehicle and split.
New weapons abound in the game. My personal favorite is the claymore sword, which is for some reason in the gun shop in town. There's also Bowie knives, M16s, handguns, shotguns, hunting recurves, chainsaws, spiked baseball bats... lots of zombie bashing fun.
Like before, the zombies are semi-docile, bewildered flesheaters by day, but at night become aggressive and chase after you. You can open and close doors, effectively barricading yourself in various buildings, and time passes about 5 times faster than normal. After you locate (or buy from the local pawnshop) some Zombrex medicine, then you're off to repair a trail bike to ride out of town. The whole mission has to be completed in 11 hours of game time, or just under 4 hours of real time.
Survivors include the pawnshop owner, some crazy, rattlesnake-jacket-wearing redneck sniping zombies from a rooftop for fun, a gambler couple from nearby Vegas, etc. etc.
I had a blast with it for three hours. Then I started getting frustrated and read the walkthrough online so I could finish the damn thing.
Game strategies are to jump, duck, weave and run through the bewildered crowd of zombies. There's too many to shot them all, and the game will just respawn them anyway.
Left4Dead is better, because it's all shooting and blowing stuff up. This is more of a scavenging, fighting zombie game than a shooter. Still, it's a lot of fun for a few hours.
What is this game lacking?
Vehicles: They're everywhere, abandoned through the large map. In DR1, there was a motorcycle, convertible, panel van and even an open Humvee you could drive to plow through the crowds of zombies. The demo ends with you motorcycling away, dodging or running over zombies, but I still want a steamroller, or a tank or something...
Destructive Enviroment: I appreciate I can shoot out windows, and open and close doors, but why can't I plant a propane tank next to a locked door, shoot it and create a new entry? After Bad Company 1&2, I NEED destructible enviroments.
Climbing: You can climb and jump and so forth in this like Mario, but for some reason you can't climb chainlink fences, water pipes, or trees. I know I'm a big guy and climbing a chainlink fence is probably pushing the boundaries of reality, but in the game you're a thin extreme bike dude who should have no problem shinnying up the wall of a building Jackie Chan-style. Why tease me with climbing onto dumpsters, but thendeny me climbing a frickin' fence?
Running: Apparently, Chuck Greene (the hero of the game) is carrying bars of lead in his pockets, because he never does more than a wimpy jog-walk. When you're on the roof of a building, the streets teeming with zombies and a distance of only 10 feet separates you from the roof of the gun store, you should be able to take off in a dead run and leap across the roof gap, like something out of Starsky and Hutch. Even I can run faster than Chuck Greene.
Fire: Frankenstein was afraid of fire. Even Lego Indiana Jones has fire. Why is there no damned fire in DR2? I saw it in DR1. Why can't I light a building on fire and watch the zombies burn? Why can't I create a barrier of burning fuel on the road to hold zombies at bay? I guess this would fall under the whole destructive enviroment thing...
Ammo: Where the F*CK IS THE AMMO? When you're in the hunting store, there's boxes of it sitting out, but you can't pick them up or reload. You empty your M16 into a crowd of zombies until it runs dry, then you throw it on the floor. WTF? Have the game designers heard of bayonets? Even the police station is devoid of ammo. When you kill a zombie cop or soldier, you can't scavenge ammo off them like in GRAW. VERY frustrating.
Coolest parts of the Demo:
On the roof of the building you start in there's a Barret M82A1 anti-vehicle .50 cal "sniper" rifle. Find the rooftop ladder, climb up and get it. It's not good for up close, but it's rounds can take out three, or four or more zombies in a row. Firing into the densely-packed streets sends zombie limbs flying and is clearly the most awesome part of the game.
All the gambling machines around town (the game is set in Vegas) can be smashed and broken, causign them to spit out money. The same for ATMs. That money is used at the pawn shop- once you rescue the shop keeper.
Overall, I think I'll pass on the full version of DR2 and just stick with this pay-demo when I want to cave in some undead skulls. And this demo just made me wish more for a version of Left4Dead that featured only common infected for my sniping fun.