Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Christmas advice from a convict?

Now, I don't want to complain about any gift I received- because to me the thought is far more important than the quality of the gift. But I find this rather odd...
Co-worker gave out Christmas cards with a few pieces of chocolate. Very nice, conveys the spirit of the season, etc. etc. I appreciated it. Today, I finally got around to eating the candy- some pieces of Dove Milk Chocolate. Good stuff. Tasted great. But the wrappers have me perplexed:
"Embellish store-bought biscotti: dip it in chocolate"- Martha Stewart, one wrapper proclaimed.
"Send a thank you note within two weeks of receiving a gift"- Martha Stewart, another proclaimed.
Did my co-worker give out really old chocolate? Or does Dove think people care what Martha Stewart has to say?
I sure as f*** don't. She's a FELON. A Thief. She was in frickin' prison. Should she be giving out ANY advice, other than: "Don't break the law"? No.
I know, she still has a TV show and lots of housewives and grandmas still watch her. Despite the fact she is a convicted felon. Meanwhile, Tiger Woods is getting dropped from sponsorships because he committed adultery- something that ISN'T a crime in the United States.
I don't condone Mr. Woods' acts- they're reprehensible. And I applaud any company that drops his sorry ass. He is clearly NOT role model material. But why the hell is Martha Stewart, a CRIMINAL, still being fawned over?

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

I was quite crushed to learn today I missed out on a Crow T Robot figurine with the boxed set for the 20th Anniversary of Mystery Science Theater 3000.
I was a huge fan of MST back in the 90s. In fact, when I was stationed in Germany, the Satellite News (MST3K's fan newsletter) was some of the only mail I ever received. Yep, where my family didn't write me, the good folks at Best Brains sure did...
Now, years, later, I am rediscovering my beloved Satellite of Love episodes thanks to Netflix. I appreciate the show even more now- seeing episodes I was deprived of whilst in Germany. Even better, compared to a lot of the smut on TV these days, I can watch MST3K with my 4 year old and 10 year old daughter. And they love it.
But what I discovered today was that in addition to every episode of this long-running series being released on DVD, a while back they released a special commerative set that included a tiny Crow T Robot figurine. Man, my kids would love to see that added to the hotwheels, spaceships, etc. etc. adorning the walls of my movie room. But I missed it.
I know, I know - instead of being cheap and watching the episdes on Netflix, or even my old VHS copies from when the show was still being aired, I should be buying shiny new DVDs. Then I would know about Crow.
Darn kids, with their expensive clothes, shoes, school, etc. etc.
And now I see that there's a Tom Servo figurine out as well. He comes with Boxed Set XVI, which runs about $55.
I loves me some MST3K, but 4 movies, four CRAPPY movies (that was the point of MST3K) for $55 seems like an awful lot to pay. I can watch the episodes on Netflix for free!
Why, oh why, can't they just sell the Tom Servo and Crow T. Robot figures as stand alones? I'd pay $60 for a Cambot, Tom, Gypsy and Crow!
Worse, as I talk abotu MST3K on Netflix, I realize that Netflix had to purchase the special Crow and Tom Servo boxed sets in roder to rent them. What then happened to all the little Crow and Tom Servo figures? Were they thrown in the trash? Ground up? Taken home by minimum wage workers who gave them to kids oblivious to MST3K's very existence?!
Oh, the humanity! Think of the fans that would have thrilled to own the bots!
And how do I buy the Tom Servo set now, but not the Crow? Tom Servo is incomplete without Crow! Imagine R2D2 without C3PO? Or Starsky without Hutch...
So I plead to you Best Brains- please! For the Love of all Misties everywhere- make us a 4 Bot giftpack! We'll pay money for it and everything!

Thursday, December 17, 2009

The Office "Christmas Party" or Holiday Soup line?

My dear parent, Television, has clearly shown me over the years what an "Office Christmas Party" is. It's when a bunch of people who work in an office celebrate the holidays together- often consuming holiday fare, maybe some alcohol, possibly at the workplace, and possibly with a date in tow.
That's not quite how it happens at my office.
No at my office, it's a huge fustercluck orchestrated by the office biddies as they play "tea party". First, they demand with Gestapo-like tactics that everyone commit to bringing a specific dish by signing a sheet. It's like ACORN trying to put together a democrap event. Then when they don't like what you're bringing, they surround you and complain with such brilliant statements as "we don't have any real food- it's all sweets". Yeah, cause you're always seeing salads and shit like that at Christmas Parties. Why just last year we gave out grilled bratwursts to the christmas carolers that came to our house. Not.
It's Christmas, you dipshits! You're SUPPOSED to eat cookies, cakes, pies and fattening shit like that! Go to a f***ing restaurant if you want to eat "real food".
Next, the biddies abandon their normal work to "decorate"- hanging ornaments and crap all over the Office in what they must imagine is some sort of clever interior decorating gambit. I suppose they see unicorns and mermaids too. It's a frickin' OFFICE, people! No matter how much tinsel you throw around, it's still an OFFICE. For f***'s sake, our office doesn't even have carpet! Yeah, real homey feeling...
But it's just not the biddies having tea with Mrs. Nesbitt that iritate me. No, it's the assholes that volunteer to bring shit like "syrup". Syrup?! Are you f***ing kidding me? Who the f*** brings syrup to a "pitch-in"? Maybe if you also brought along some pancakes or waffles. Or if SOMEONE in the office was bringing them, and maybe it was imported f***ing syrup. Lazy prick. Next year I bet they bring "salt and pepper". Or maybe some f***ing mustard.
Me, I go out of my way, to the local Sam's Club, fighting through the shuffling zombie shoppers to buy a platter of the best damn brownies on planet earth. Sure, it's a huge pain in the ass to buy just brownies, so I end up spending a bunch of money for stuff for my kids. Dammit, I have some Christmas spirit.
Morning of the party, the biddies are getting the tea party all laid out- napkins here and there, empty chairs for the mermaids and unicorns. We are told we have to wait until 10 AM to start eating.
Apparently, that doesn't apply for Mrs. Nesbitt. Seems one of the bitches, er-, biddies, has her husband (and not Buzz Lightyear- it was a "Toy Story" reference) come in and start scarfing down food a half hour early. You know, buffets have a f***ing sneeze shield for a reason. I sure don't want to eat anything that was sitting right in front of some bastard slobbering and laughing and chewing with his mouth open, having a jolly old f***Ing time while my stomach starts to digest itself.
But wait, at five minutes until kick off time, all the moochers show up! No, wait, maybe they aren't moochers- they were f***ing invited by the boss after all. No, they weren't required to bring a dish, and no they aren't any of our staff's spouses or anything. Nope, just f***ers that happen to work in our building. And of course, they have flapped their slobbering jaws all morning long in anticipation of all that free food, so now the whole f***ing building knows there's food in our office.
Oh, joy, now the pitch-in is a soupline. Now I get to pick at leftovers that survived the guest stampede. Oh, and that not only have my co-workers coughed, laughed, sneezed and otherwise exhaled all over, but I get the germs of all the hundred-plus other people that might show up, but with whom I have little to no contact the rest of the year, despite the fact we all work in the same building. Pass.
No, instead, I'll sit at my computer, eating a f***ing bag of chips, trying to figure out why I can't print on letterhead from the printer (cause I had to get a new f***ing hard drive this week and now my PC is all messed up)
Merry Christmas, assholes.
Good thing I bought an extra platter of brownies for myself last night. At least I'll get some of the f***ers when I get home.
If the kids haven't eaten them all, yet...


I have been doing my best to keep my Christmas spirit, but you people are really trying my damned patience.
All the fast-driving, parking space-stealing, zombie-walking, rude m*therf***ers are really driving me over the edge. Then my damned computer at work crashed- Hard Drive wore out. Was able to save a bunch of data, but lost emails, address book, macros, etc. etc.
Can someone explain to me why you idiots race through parking lots like Mario F***ing Andretti, then wander and block the aisles of the stores like crippled zombies on fly paper?
And what happened to holding doors open for people? Giving money to the Salvation Army Bell Ringers?
In all my postal/induced rage, I have seen, one, ONE f***ing instance of people with some damned Christmas spirit. The folks at Chick Fil-A.
Yep, the kids (none of them appear to be out of high school) working our local Chick Fil-A are always peppy, friendly and polite. Unlike McDonald's, or even Dairy Queen, where "thank you" and "come again" are rarities, the Fil-A crew is always in a good mood. Year round.
That got me thinking.
Again, I am going to ask- why the hell can't you people have some f***ing civility around the holidays? Chick Fil-A has it year round. And they aren't the only ones. I've never been in a Chinese restaurant where I wasn't treated like the King of Siam. Why is it the Chinese and the Chicken-slingers can get it right, three-hundred-and-sixty-five-days a damn year, and the rest of you can't do it for one damn month? Or even the twelve days of Christmas?!
Clearly, you're all a bunch of self-centered pricks. You're so worried about Christmas turning out the way you want, about you not having to park in the back forty at the store, etc. etc. that you vent your rage on those around you at precisely the time of year when you are supposed to behave with civility.
F***ing disgraceful.
Have any of you dumbasses ever seen any of the twelve-plus "Christmas Carol" movies? They weren't an example of f***ing Christmas hauntings. It's the story of a sorry asshole who learns what Christmas is all about. Watch it. You'll learn something.
What a bunch of assholes. Too bad the Mexican Flu didn't sweep through the country and give people something to be grateful for (surviving it) in its wake. Then we might actually have a wave of National Goodwill.
I guess if I want any Christmas spirit outside of my home, I have to Eat More Chikin.

Wednesday, December 09, 2009

Tis the Season Report: Donuts!

So I'm driving to work today, trucking along about 33mph when this woman pulls out in front of me, crossing the road I am on from my left to my right. Worse, after pulling out, she actually slows down, forcing me to slam on my brakes. She then proceeds slowly across the road as I'm laying into my horn.
Her destination?
The donut shop. She had to cross the road I was driving on (and on which I had the right-of-way) to go get some damn donuts.
Now there are three really good reasons she shouldn't have done this:
1. It was illegal. I had the right of way.
2. It's the Christmas season- you're supposed to be on your best manners, not your worst, this month. You should hold open doors for others, let others go first, etc. etc.
3. I was having a bad morning already, and if my wife and 4 year old weren't in the car with me, I think I would have rammed her. The thought actually crossed my mind.
Let me rewind...
Last night we had all these storm warnings that it was going to be horrifically windy, power could go out, etc. etc. So I stayed up late, washing clothes, charging all the portable electronics etc. I also washed my work boots, then found out that I couldn't dry them in the dryer. The shoe-drying tray for our dryer had vanished- stored away somewhere by the missus.
I awoke this morning, and find my boots didn't air-dry yet. Nice. Nothing like starting your day with damp boots. Anticipating some mildew on the boots, I started looking for the aerosol can of Lysol to spray them down. Can't find it. It's vanished. The missus then gets me the Febreeze instead. And starts spraying the outside of the boots.
After explaining the boots don't stink on the outside, I take the Febreeze and spray one boot inside, wondering if Febreeze can prevent mildew- I thought it was for masking odors AFTER they form. I go to do the next boot, and WHAM! The bottle falls off the spray handle, hitting the floor and sending up a jet of Febreeze. All up my pant leg, and from my belt to armpit. Nice. Now I get to smell all girly-fresh all day. And hopefully, Febreeze doesn't stain.
Then there's the normal three ring circus of getting a 4 year old ready for Grandma's; a 10 year old ready for school; the wife ready for work; and the dog- who got to stay inside today because of all the "wind damage" being predicted by local weathermen.
By the time we pull out of the driveway in our little family motor pool, we're already late. And I'm grinding my teeth and ready to go all Postal on someone.
Then Ms. Donut-head has to pull out right in front of me.
Would a jury have convicted me if I had accelerated and rammed into her car?
I sure hope she was having some frickin' donut emergency- although at her leisurely speed, I doubt it.

Monday, December 07, 2009

Savor the Season- Don't Inhale the Holiday

People annoy me. I know that's not a very Christian way to be- especially at this time of year- but  I just can't seem to shake it.
Take for instance, just a few moments ago. On the elevator. I'm in the basement at work, waiting for an elevator to haul my butt back upstairs. Oh, sure, I took the stairs down, but gravity was working with me. I wanted to laugh in the face of Global Warmers and make a big carbon footprint and ride the electric elevator back to my point of origin.
Ding! The doors opened, and there's like 6 damned people in the elevator. None of whom step out. These lazy bastards not only couldn't take the stairs, but they couldn't be bothered to wait for an elevator going up. No they had to all crowd into the elevator going down- leaving no room for me to ride it up. They couldn't wait a few minutes for the next elevator.
It's shit like that that drives me crazy.
You'd think that at this time of year- the Christmas season- people could behave better. I mean, we are supposed to be celebrating the fact we don't have to burn offerings, do nothing on the Sabbath or otherwise follow Jewish tradition to stay out of Hell. Jesus Christ was born to offer mankind an easy way to live forever.
But no.
Instead of being grateful and celebrating Jesus' bithday, everyone has to rush around, with no damn manners, caring only about themselves. They steal parking spaces. They crowd aisles in stores. They're jerks on the phone. You know, I realize that's how you people are year-round, but could you for one f*cking month behave civilized?
This is the season for "Goodwill to men". When we are supposed to be neighborly and nice and enjoy  ourselves. People can do it at drunken New Year's Eve parties, so why not for the Christmas season?
I could see it if you didn't believe in Christ or Christmas. You know, if you didn't put lights on your house, or buy presents or otherwise celebrate the day. But when you do celebrate Christmas- even in your own, twisted, heathen way- why do you want it to be over so quick?
Why must people suck the holiday down, rushing around, as though they were gulping down breakfast on their way to work when running late?
Enjoy the holiday, you dumbasses. Take your time. Savor this time of year. Don't race through parking lots on your way to a discount. Don't stress. Just chill, and relax. Pretend you're a hippy or something.
Every year, the day after Christmas, my wife starts harping about taking down decorations. I counter that the Three Wisemen didn't travel across the frickin' world, throw some presents at Baby Jesus' feet and say "See ya later". No they stuck around, they celebrated. They weren't in any hurry to leave.
That same lesson should hold true for the whole month. Kids seem to grasp this simple concept. They love the whole christmas season. Every day of it. And since we all started out as kids, there's no reason why we can't continue that tradition.
So chew your holiday slower- it'll last longer.