Tuesday, October 07, 2008


PART 1: Defining the Opacalypse

Mark my words, dear readers, the Obamageddon is less than a month away. Are you ready?

I know what you’re thinking- that this is just another attempt to dissuade you edjamuhcated libtards so you vote McCain-Palin instead of Osama-Lyin. But it’s not.


I mean, if simple facts can’t change your stubborn-as-a-mule, er- donkey, mindset, what else will?

No, today’s article is to look beyond the campaigns, the muck-raking, the election. Today, I want to talk about the impending Obamageddon that begins on November 4, 2008. I truly care what happens to each of you, and your innocent children (assuming you haven’t aborted them). I want you all to survive, because without Americans, there can’t be an America.

I am a worst-case scenario kind of guy. I like to plan for the worst. I don’t have a bomb shelter in my basement or even a generator out back. But I do keep candles, water and some other survival-type items in my home. I’m not expecting the undead to arise or anything (although they will on election day, and they’ll be voting Democrat). I’m anticipating the very-real threat of storms. Loss of power. Being unable to drive to the grocery store- assuming it has food to buy. That kind of thing.

But I was just thinking this week that a far more dangerous disaster is looming. Election Day. Let us look to history for a moment. Remember all the ruckus over hanging chads a few years ago? Look back a little further- remember all the ruckus over a pot-smoking speeder getting a King-sized whuppin’ by LA’s finest? And the riots that ensued?

See, I predeict that whether Beezlebarack wins or loses on November 4, 2008, there’s going to be civil unrest. And given recent events like Rodney King and Algore’s narrow loss, I think they’re going to be pretty serious.

Now there’s two ways this can play out. It could be a short-lived Opacalypse, or perhaps a truly earth-shattering Ragnabarack. In either instance, we all need to start preparing.

First, let’s look at the lesser catastrophe- Beezelebarack loses the election. I say lesser, because by Christmas all the rioting and anarchy will be over and Martial Law will reign supreme. By mid-2009, life will be restored to normal and the libs can start saving their pennies for Hellary’s run in 2012.

So, how does the Opacalypse start? Right off the bat, when the polls close and McCain is declared the winner, there will be rioting and pillaging like after a soccer match in England. All those inner city thugs who formerly spent their days counting down to welfare check day and their next fix will be whipped up into a tinfoil-hatted frenzy by the conspiracy nuts blogging from their parents’ basements. Cars will be overturned and burned and there’ll be muggings, lynchings, and worse. It won’t be a night for non-African American’s to be out.

The first week after the election won’t be much better, but at least sticking to main streets and public areas will be safe. We’ll all spend a lot of our time watching the police respond to marches (I should copyright the term "Million Mad March") and protests- particularly in large urban areas that were bastions of the Devilcrats. Cancel any plans to go to Chicago, cause it won’t be pretty there.

By week two, we’ll all be lamenting how there’s nothing but news on TV. DVD sales and rentals will skyrocket as the sane among us try to avoid the sore losers whining on an hourly basis into any camera they can find. Meanwhile, al Qaida will be pissing their pants in fear and US Forces will enjoy a nice Christmas break from the fighting. Which will of course infuriate the Doveocrats in Congress.

During this short-lived Opacalypse you’ll only need the same basics as you would for a hurricane. Food, water, shelter. Thankfully the severe winter weather won’t have set in so the power outages shouldn’t be more than a nuisance. For those in inner cities, concealment will be the best skill to develop as you’ll want to hide yourselves and your valuables from the roaming Bar-ackians.

Should Beezlebarack win, we’re looking at a far more serious, and longer-lasting Ragnabarack. Fortunately, Ragnabarack will be slower starting, but continue to gain in intensity. Kind of like a clogged toilet.

To begin with, the night of Beezlebarack’s win will be marked by very similar nights of pillaging by the inner city types who so fervently want someone to represent their interests. Years of imagined oppression will be vented on anything that fits the stereotypical image of "white America". Think Houston Astrodome, but with REALLY angry people.

By day two or three however, the revelers will have run out of steam. They can’t be too mad at this point, as they won. Mainly, there’ll be a lot of posturing on TV. And of course the Devilcrats in Congress will be patting each other on the back and working feverishly into the night to come up with ways to take away our rights and spend all our tax money.

Unfortunately, this will begin the decline of America. For one, foreign countries will think they can do whatever they want, without fear of reprisal. Don’t forget, during the Carter Administration, America was branded the "paper tiger". (I think it would be more fitting to call the Beezlebarack America the "cardboard panther") Terrorism over seas will rise sharply, because of the perception US forces will be withdrawn immediately on Beezlebarack’s coronation. A lot of US Troops will then come home for Christmas- in body bags. During it all, Beezlebarack will begin a whirlwind tour of gloating and surrender- I mean, diplomacy- in places like Tehran, Pyongyang, Venezuela and Moscow.

During the month of December, conservatives and Christians will need to begin stocking up on supplies. Come 2009, you won’t be able to buy much in the way of luxuries or essentials, as the US dollar will plummet in value. Those of you living outside the mid-west also ought to consider moving. After all, when America’s enemies begin invading, they’ll start on the coasts.

There will be a great many changes to our way of life in 2009. Far too many to go into at this time. Basically, you need to spend December unregistering as a Republican, stocking up on non-firearm weaponry before it’s taken from you, and hiding all the crosses and bibles in your home.

So in closing, we’ve got a tough year end coming. I know preparing for the worst will cut into your Christmas budget, but really, you need to plan ahead for the inevitable civil unrest and possible socialization of our country in 2009. Stock up on toilet paper, batteries, canned goods and water. The week of November 4th you’ll probably be staying home with your kids.