Tuesday, January 05, 2010

GSCE Candidate: James T. Kirk (TOS)

It's 2010, the Year We Make Contact. That means Scifi needs to get over the Mayan 2012 doomsday "prophecy", post-apocalyptic craze, and embrace space travel. And what better way to celebrate Scifi's outer space roots than by deciding who is the Greatest Starship Captain Ever?
James T. Kirk  (William Shatner) Star Trek franchise
Captain Skills: 5
Okay, Jim Kirk was a brilliant Starfleet graduate. His father was a Starfleet officer before him. He rose through the ranks and became the youngest Starship captain ever. He was given command of the Enterprise (1701) so he must have been pretty hot shit. He's negotiated peace treaties, he's defended whole regions of space. He was so bad ass as a Captain, they promoted him to Admiral.
Personal Combat Skills: 4
Most men in the 24th century might have resorted to just vaporizing their enemies with a phaser set on disintegrate. Not Jim Kirk. He jumped right in, laying out knucklesandwiches like he was the f***ing ship's cook or something. He even tried duking it out with a Gorn! (Before he blew its ass away with a cannon improvised from dirt and rocks laying around!) About the only person on TV in the 1960s that could have beat Kirk's ass was the Green Hornet's sidekick, Kato (Bruce Lee).
Starship Combat Skills: 5
Can you name a starship captain who has had as many space combat victories as Kirk? During peace time? The Klingons about shit themselves everytime his name is mentioned. In fact, most enemy ship captains get all excited like they're about to bang some trophy buck when they find out he's fighting them. Face it, if there's ever a starship war, who's side do you want to be on? I thought so...
Ladies Man: 4
Some would say that Kirk's hedonistic, heathen ways are a weakness. That anytime he sees a shapely alien tail all his reason goes right out the window. That's why he has a Vulcan for a wingman. To make sure he doesn't do something overly stupid. Still, I'll grudgingly take one point off for Kirk's "weakness" for chicks. But you have to admit, anyone who can have that many gorgariffic hotties at his beck and call scores major points.
Crew: 4
Okay, the only thing keeping Kirk from having a 5 here are those damned red shirts. How can anyone choose Scotty, Spock, McCoy and Uhura as his crew then turn around and pick the Marx brothers for security? Did Kirk get a sick, twisted pleasure watching all the Red Shirts die? I know, with his mastery of Whoopassery, he didn't really need the Red Shirts for more than bird dogging, but still, he could have done better.
Coolness: 3.5
William Shatner totally made Kirk the legend he is today. And if he had stopped with the series, well, this would be a 5. But after TJ Hooker, Shatner's protrayal of any role became rather silly. Silly is okay for shows like Monty Python, but I don't want to see Kirk turn silly. It's like finding out your favorite uncle was a crackhead or something. Major point deduction for Kirk's older years, after he got emotional about his bastard son dying, and wept at Spock's passing. Wussy.
Total score: 25.5 out of 30.
85%! Yow! That's pretty frickin' awesome a score, knocking poor, monogamistic Han Solo right out of the lead. Ouch!

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