Tuesday, January 05, 2010

GSCE Candidate: Commander Caine

It's 2010, the Year We Make Contact. That means Scifi needs to get over the Mayan 2012 doomsday "prophecy", post-apocalyptic craze, and embrace space travel. And what better way to celebrate Scifi's outer space roots than by deciding who is the Greatest Starship Captain Ever?
Commander Cain  (Lloyd Bridges) Battlestar Galactica- the Original Series
Captain Skills: 5
Commander Cain is Patton. If you didn't realize this, you should be banned from Science Fiction. And Patton is the undeniable King of Armored warfare. We can extrapolate from that (to use a fancy Trekkian-like word) that Cain was clearly meant by Glenn Larson to be the ultimate Colonial Warrior. A leader of leaders. Not to mention that despite being yahrens behind enemy lines, with no supply, Cain kept the Pegasus and her crew fighting those Cylon bastards for yahrens. If you're still in doubt, the cult-like following of Cain's crew should crush any doubt in your mind whatsoever. Cain was the shit. We really should give him a 6 in this category, as you simply could never have more skill as a Captain than Cain. 
Personal Combat Skills: 4
Colonial Warriors are bad asses. They can fight, shoot and fly. Starbuck and Apollo showed what a Warrior at the top of his game could do. And since Cain was to be the ultimate Warrior, it's pretty clear you wouldn't want to back sass him. Especially since he wore his blaster at his side, at all times, all Han Solo-like. Cain was always on duty, always prepared to kick ass. Yeah, he was as old as Jean-Luc Picard, but he clearly would have blown Jean-Luc away before any meeting could have even been called. Now, I am tempted to take a point off, since he carried that sissy riding crop around. What the hell kind of weapon is that? Then I realized it was to protect the crew from his awesome wrath. Surely proving his bad assedness.
Starship Combat Skills: 5
The Cylons couldn't beat Cain. Even with their cowardly surprise attack, that decimated the Colonies and the other Battlestars. And while Adama ran away with his tail between his legs, playing nursemaid to a bunch of fat cat civilians, Cain stayed behind, slaughtering Cylons with gleeful abandon. In the end, Cain was so bad ass, he had to defeat himself by going Kamikaze on TWO base stations.
Ladies Man: 2.5
Oh, yes, Cain was a ladies man. Remember Starbuck's hooker, Casseiodopia? Well, Cain had already hooked up with her. And probably countless others. Yeah, he was old enough to be her grandpa, but she still dug him enough she dumped Starbuck. Starbuck! The Old Bull definitely had it. Too bad all the planets he went to had stinking Cylons. If they'd have had hot, alien chicks, he'd have no doubt put Jim Kirk to shame.
Crew: 5
Clearly the crew of the Pegasus were without compare. They fought and survived behind Cylon lines for Yahren! And then there was Cain's superhot daughter Sheba. RRwoar! What a woman!
Coolness: 4
BG Fans clearly have a most favorite character- Cain. And let's not forget that Lloyd Bridges was more popular in his day than Harrison Ford was in the 80s or 90s. But most of all, Cain is Patton. And the only American General cooler than Patton was MacArthur. But I'm deducting a point for his age and lame riding crop. Patton used his bare hand to smack his soldier.
Total score: 25.5 out of 30.
85%! A tie with Shatner's Kirk! Guess there will eventually have to be a sudden death to determine the ultimate winner...

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