Tuesday, January 05, 2010

GSCE Candidate: Jean-Luc Picard

It's 2010, the Year We Make Contact. That means Scifi needs to get over the Mayan 2012 doomsday "prophecy", post-apocalyptic craze, and embrace space travel. And what better way to celebrate Scifi's outer space roots than by deciding who is the Greatest Starship Captain Ever?
Jean-Luc Picard  (Patrick Stewart) Star Trek: The Next Generation
Captain Skills: 5
As with James T. Kirk a century before him, Jean-Luc is the cream of the crop- the best Starfleet has to offer- or else he never would have been given command of the Enterprise-D. Jean-Luc dispenses advice to his idolizing crew, can diplomatically solve any solutuion and is the epitome of charm and sophistication in space. Yes, he's your grandpa, with a starship.
Personal Combat Skills: 2
When TNG started, Picard was totally the chatty Cathy, Merv Griffin of Starfleet. Talk, Talk, talk. As the show wore on, he suddenly became a crack phaser shot, and could duke it out with Klingons. I attribute this to the great Patrick Stewart telling the writers to stop being a bunch of wankers and make Picard less of a fag. But despite his Klingon Batleh, he will always be Grandpa. I mean please, Wesley could have kicked his ass. Picard was a diplomat, not a pugilist. 
Starship Combat Skills: 5
While it may have only been the Ferengi that shit themselves when they went up against Picard, you have got to give props to grandpa. He has a firckin' manuever named after him! True, he needed a fifteen minute peptalk from the crew before any starship encounter, and true the Enterprise was more battleship than exploration vessel, but there's no doubt- showdown with Jean-Luc and he'll blow your ass away.
Ladies Man: 1
Okay, you're friends with the superhot Beverly Crusher, and you never make your move? What the hell? Did the writers actually want Picard to be a queer? What is the deal? Surely Kirk's legend was something every cadet read about when Picard was going through the Academy. Why wasn't he chasing tail in the finest Starfleet tradition?! I'm sorry, Patrick "Professor X" Stewart is an awesome actor, but dude, your Picard was kinda gay. If it weren't for Stewart, I think the show would never have made it.
Crew: 3
I have to be really harsh here. Picard got to hand frickin' pick his crew. Riker was okay, and superhot Deanna Troy was excellent with an extra X, and let's not forget the ginger-haired goodness of Beverly Crusher. But what the hell was the deal with the original Chief engineer? Or having a blind man in the engineering section at all? I know, Worf makes up for a lot of the silly shit, but then Picard throws it all away by putting that dumbass Wesley Crusher on the bridge. Hey, Picard! Didn't you read the history books- Doogie Howser was gay! Man, Picard is lucky Wesley didn't crash the Enterprise into a black hole or something.
Coolness: 4
Again, I'm going to point this out again: great actor equals great character. In the same manner that Han Solo is Indiana Jones, Jean-Luc is Professor X. How frickin' cool is that? I know, Jean-Luc's a geriatric gossiper better suited to talk radio or a classroom than the bridge of the Federation's flagship, but he's Patrick Stewart! Cool! (Not 5 point cool, but COOL)
Total score: 20 out of 30.
66%. Ouch, I really figured Picard would do better than this. It's that damn Wesley's fault, and those San Francisco writers...

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