Wednesday, February 24, 2010


I can't say I have always hated Hippies. But I have hated them for a very long time. I think it probably started in my pre-teen years, when I finally grasped the concept of just what a Hippy was.
Back then, I thought hippies were dirty, pot-smoking, crack-headed adulterers in need of a bath- that hated America, God and pretty much anything else they couldn't smoke or f*ck.
Years later, I am revising- nay, expanding- my opinion.

Hippies were Baby Boomers. Now, that doesn't mean that all Boomers were hippies. I know many so-called "Boomers" who were never hippies, nor did they ever want to be. In fact, I'll go so far as to say I have met some outstanding "Boomers" who worked hard, and live decent lives. But they seem to be a slim majority of the Jerkiatric generation.

What is a Jerkiatric? Well, that's someone in their fifties or older, who was too young to fight the Nazis, lived through the whole "free love" debacle of the 60s and either embraced the swinging, druggy culture, or secretly wanted to. And now they're senior citizens- and a blight on the ass of Uncle Sam.

You know the people I'm talking about- self-centered pricks that think the world revolves around them and that they're somehow entitled to whatever they want, merely because they're old. They're rude, and they look down on anyone who doesn't have gray hair. They think the rules don't apply to them. They smugly think that despite thousands of years of history before them, they know better. They're totally, hopelessly, self-centered.

When I was a kid, old people were respected, and commanded respect. Back then I didn't realize that any gray-haired person I saw had lived through the Depression, or the sacrifice imposed on Americans while the U.S. kicked Nazi Germany's ass. And I still respected them.

But the Greatest Generation begat a bunch of spoiled, whiney-ass, buttheads. The kind of jerks that draw my social security retirement money while they still "work". The assholes that won't retire, and don't do any real work while on the clock.

Take the receptionist where I work. Spends all day long on the phone, making personal calls, instead of answering the phone or greeting visitors. Actually sits with her back to the lobby. Then gets huffy because none of the rest of us will stop working to do her damned job. And every wednesday? She leaves work 15 minutes early to get her hair re-colorized. And her generation complained about Ted Turner colorizing the classics.
Then there's the bastard who stepped in front of me in line at the grocery so he could buy his powerball ticket. Completely oblivious to those around him. Just itching to cash in my social security dollars on a chance at millions. Like he'll be around long enough to do anything with that money if he wins.

And what about the Jerkiatrics driving shiney new sports cars (bought with my Social Security no less) that park in handicapped spaces, then saunter into stores without even a damn cane. People, if you can walk unassisted, handicapped parking spaces are not for you.
Even more irritating are the Jerkiatrics that ride around on the electric shopping carts stores provide. Wheeled fatties, or maybe folks too lazy to walk. If you really needed that electric assist, how the hell did you get to the store without it? Why aren't you on a hoverround?
And let's not forget all the lecherous, old man-whores buying Cialis, and Viagra... I guarantee you neither of my grandfathers would ever have admitted to having a limp wiener, or complained to their doctors they couldn't service their battleaxes. What is with these wussy Jerkiatrics? What chemicals have they imbibed in that wrecked their Johnsons and enlarged their prostates?

Best of all though, the Jerkiatrics are obsessed with money. Take my own father. All I used to hear in the 80s was how little money he made. He made a pitiful $26,000 a year. Oh, woe is me! According to  26,000 1985-dollars was the equivalent of $52,000 in 2008! That's more than I make now! And I have a wife and two kids and a mortgage. My Jerkiatric father was a single parent, renting an apartment and driving a company car. WTF did he spend all that money on?! Hookers? Drugs? Another family?

No wonder our Country is so screwed up. The Jerkiatrics voted in the likes of Jimmy Carter when they were just starting out, then Slick Willie and his wife. I'm fairly certain they also boosted Obama into the Whitehouse as well, and are now cheering on their spiritual leaders Nazi Pelosi and Granny Reid in Congress. They are so quick to demand more freebies from the government- failing to realize that the medicare they take away from the surviving Greatest Generation members won't be there for them in 10 or 20 years.
I'd at least have the consolation of dancing on all the Jerkiatric graves in another 10 or 20 years... except to support the swinging, entitlement lifestyle of the Jerkiatrics, I'll have to work until I'm about to be buried. I won't get those double-dipping, luxury years of idle singles-lifestyle so many of them enjoy today. Especially since they elect their socialist buddies into Office and our country is on the fast track to becoming a third world nation.
Damn Hippies.


Thursday, February 11, 2010

Where's My Iranian Punch?!

Now, I distinctly recall reading that Iran was coming out with a new punch today, that would shock the west it tasted so good. I imagine it's green, which would really come in handy at christmas time: I could put out Hawaian Punch and Iranian Punch.
But where the hell is the punch? And what flavor is it? Maybe Olive? Falafel? Date?
Personally, I think it's sheer marketing genius- Green punch ought to sell really well on the West Coast and the liberal states.
And I was even ready with some slogans for Iranian Punch:
"Tastes so Good, You'll Swear it was Made by a Prophet!"
"Holds your taste buds hostage- with pleasure!"
"Smoother than the thighs of 44 virgins! And without having to blow yourself up!"
"If this is the last drink you'll ever have- it'll be worth it!"
and finally
"Iranian Punch- a new drink for the Atomic Age!"

Sunday, February 07, 2010

____________ Bowl?

It's Super Bowl sunday- what are you going to do?
Hard as it is for many to believe, I don't watch the Super Bowl. I don't really watch any sports. I don't mind watching my kids play, but I really don't enjoy watching sports for very long. It's like watching a video game- I'd rather play than spectate.
That being said, it's rather ironic this year that I upgraded my basement TV to a larger HD model (good sales this time of year) but won't be tuning in to the Super Bowl.
Now I know that Animal Planet is having a "Puppy Bowl". And I remember when Discovery used to do a Shark Bowl. But I'm having a Zombie Bowl.
I mean, it is SUPER Bowl weekend- I should do something special.
For me and the kids, it'll be a triple feature of "Army of Darkness", "Shaun of the Dead" and "Zombieland"- the latter kicking off when the footballers do.
Zombies not your thing? What about a Jedi Bowl? You could do the Original Trilogy- nothing like ending the day with Darth Vader slamming the Emperor down to win the game for the Rebels.
How about Jones Bowl? That would be the Original Trilogy of Indiana Jones movies. Kingdom of the Crystal Skulls kind of ends on a downer, with Indiana ready to head into the sunset and a retirement home.
Robo Bowl? The RoboCop movies might be a little old, but you have to admit they're good fun.
Bond Bowl? Plenty of flicks to choose from- maybe three different bonds?
JAWS Bowl- although the more you watch, the worse they get.
I like the idea of a Tremors Bowl- except there are four Graboid movies, and the short-lived TV Series come out on DVD in March.
If nothing else, I suppose you could do a Super Bowl; Superman, Superman 2, Superman Returns- you're better off skipping Superman 3 and 4.
But maybe you don't want to sit in front of the TV all day, eating snacks and growing roots.
There's Laundry bowl- but I suppose a lot of people do that every weekend anyway.
Puzzle Bowl? Snacks and jigsaw puzzles don't seem to go so well together.
Game Bowl- maybe play some Xbox 360, or even a board game with the kids.
Aw, well- whatever you choose to do with your day, enjoy it. It's a uniquely American tradition.

Wednesday, February 03, 2010

Troglo-Review: "Zombieland" on DVD

But should you buy it, and can the kids watch it?
I purchased the Bestbuy special edition, which included a bonus disk, for $24.99. While I greatly enjoyed the bonus content, it didn't seem worth the extra $7. And, the movie disk has something wrong with it, as there are several parts in the movie where the sound cuts out for a second or more.
But what about the movie?
The first time I saw this movie at the theater, it was fantastic. I laughed my ass off. My pals also laughed- one so hard I think he ruptured my ear drum.
First and foremost, this movie is a comedy. True, it's set in a post-Zombie Apocalypse world, but the basic intent of the movie is the buddy story. The buddy's being super-nerd, ultra-paranoid Columbus, and ass-kicking, red neck, nascar fan Tallahassee. They are truly an odd couple.
Think Tremors, Lake Placid, Army of Darkness, Undead and Shaun of the Dead, and you get the basic idea: horror with comedy. In Zombieland's case, it's more humor than horror, but there's plenty of both.
Can you watch this with your kids?
Well... that's debatable. First off, it's very gorey. Dark humor, over-gorey, I think. I mean, surely it's intended to be funny just how gorey parts are. I laughed. But can your kids handle watching zombies chew pieces off victims? Can they handle watching a zombie pull a bone from a corpse, crack it open and suck the marrow out?
Then there's the adult-humor. The opening title sequence shows a zombie stripper, boobies swinging too and fro in super-slo mo as she chases a strip club patron- the title sequence tells the story of what happened when the Zombie outbreak occured. But filmed with superfast cameras and slowed down, like a dark episode of Time Warp or a segment from Myhtbusters. I surely have nothing against a nice set of jugs, but these are covered in fake blood. The enjoyment is kind of lost. And do your kids even know what a stripper is? There's absolutely nothing sexual about this scene.
However, there is plenty of sexual talk in the movie. Columbus is grilled by Tallahassee about the last time he had sex- and Tallahassee asks several different ways before finally asking the dense Columbus- "sex". Columbus then lies and mentions where he did the deed. Good possibility here that kids might not understand the dialogue. Then again, they might.
Next up, Tallahassee, very in-character, later uses the word "masturbate" a few times in the film. Again, do your kids know what that is? Will they ask? Can you lie past it or shush them to avoid an embarrassing, mid-movie discussion of the birds and the bees?
Finally, Tallahasse at one point asks Columbus if he wants to "fuck" one of the female leads- "Wichita". Now, my kids have seen countless action movies where people talk about "fucking" someone up, so I wasn't worried by this. Until Tallahassee followed his question up by declaring it would only be fair as the girls had been fucking them- in this case, clearly referring to how the girls had conned and stolen from Columbus and his zombie-slaying partner. Possibly you could lie to your kids and claim Tallahassee was thought Columbus wanted to hurt Wichita, but I think they'd see through that. Then you'd have to stare at them blankly and play dumb. "What do you mean?"
Is Zombieland kid-friendly. Probably not. More so than Shaun of the Dead, less so than Army of Darkness.
Should you buy Zombieland? Hell, yes. It's an awesome movie with laughs, action and almost no boring parts. Yes, after a dozen viewings, you may be tempted to fast forward through a few bits of dialogue, but then again, the dialogue's pretty damned good in this movie. Right up there with Big Trouble in Little China.
I give Zombieland four ADULT clubs up.