Happy Veteran's Day

At first, I wasn't going to make this wish- seeing as how I'm a veteran. Sounds kind of weird to thank yourself. Then I remembered that it always seems that the only people who ever express this to me are family and other veterans.

 

That's lame.

 

Do you people realize what veteran's go through when they join the military? Let me put it in very simple terms for you: it's indentured servitude, ie, slavery.

 

When you're in the military, you don't get to go wherever you want. You're the property of the military and you do what they say. hell, you can't even put your hands in your pockets, or go without a hat, outside (unless you're off duty, of course). You can't call in sick because you want to stay home and play a new video game or sneak out of work early to go catch some new movie.

 

Then there's that whole risking-your-life-to-protect-others thing. I mention it last, because many civilians live in a candy-coated fantasy world where they think they have the "Right" to do whatever they want wherever they want. Take this 24 year old mother and college graduate I work with. She didn't know that people can't leave China without the government's permission. Political Asylum was a foggy memory she didn't fully recall from high school.

 

Here's the fact, slackers. Without the military, and the sacrifices of veterans, both in blood, and personal liberties, you would all be calling each other comrade, and working for the same money, or freezing to death while starving, in some Gulag in Alaska. The only thing that keeps other nations from coming in and taking whatever they want from your home is the armed men and women of your military.

 

Don't think we shoudl be in Iraq or Afghanistan? Fine, you're entitled to your opinion, as uneducated and civilian as it is. But how about for one damn day of the year you put that aside and thank all the current military members and veterans you know for guaranteeing you the right to express that opinion?

 

We'd really appreciate it.

Be Thankful for What You've Got

Now that Halloween is over, the stores are in full swing for Christmas- with decorations, toys and sales out in full force. And, if you look real hard, some Thanksgiving decorations are in there too.

 

I'm not really sure which angers me more- my wife trying to buy Thanksgiving decorations, the lack of them in the stores, or the fact that the stores basically overlook Thanksgiving.

 

Don't get me wrong- the birth of Jesus is very important. We should celebrate it. A lot. But somehow, I don't think that the aisles and aisles of tacky decorations, self-illuminated trees and Christmas Barbies are all that religiously significant. More like a way to seperate greedy fools from their money.

 

Thanksgiving is the celebration of being thankful for what we have- not of what we can get. We're all told the story as children of the poor pilgrims who didn't plan for winter and the indians (or Native Americans, if you prefer) brought them food and basically kept their dumb asses alive. The Pilgrims are very thankful in this tale. And our tradition of gorging ourselves and inviting others to our home to do the same comes from this thankfulness.

 

So should we be running out to buy up a bunch of turkey decorations? No. We should be happy with what we have. Make do with what we have and be grateful we have even that. Does that mean the stores' lack of turkey stuff mean they grasp the make do with what you have philosophy? No, they just want to get a jump on the holiday sales. And in so doing, they've brainwashed our populace into buy, buy, buy on November 1st.

 

So when you're out, driving like an idiot in an effort to steal parking spaces, or shuffling along like the undead in the stores, Christmas list in one hand, coupons in the other, be thankful. Be thankful for something. The coupons, the fact you have money to spend, or maybe the fact you live in a country that allows you the freedom to act so foolishly.

 

 

I am being haunted by the Spirit of BMW! Someone make it stop!

 

A few weeks ago, Electronic Arts, as a promotional gimmick for a new video game, NEED FOR SPEED: Shift, announced a contest where you could win copies of the game and one lucky bastard could win a brand new 2010 BMW M3 car! All from commenting on Twitter.

 

Now, normally, I don't enter contests like this. Because I never win anything. But something made me enter this contest. A feeling like, "I can win". And sure enough, I did win- a free book bag embroidered with "Need for Speed" on day 4 of the contest, and a copy of the game on day 5. Two wins in a row!

 

And Day 6? Well, it was really odd... but I started seeing BMWs. Everywhere. I live in the midwest, and I don't normally pay attention to the cars around me- unless it's a monster truck, antique or something truly out of the ordinary. But on Day 6, I started noticing BMWs. 5 of them in the 20 minute drive to work.

 

On the way home, I noticed several more. I talked to my wife about it. She was convinced it was a good sign- maybe I had won the BMW. Three's a charm, afterall. That night, I checked Twitter- but there was no announcement as to who won the BMW.

 

For the next week, the pattern continued- I'd see BMWs where ever I went. On one scary occasion, I pulled into a Sam's Club parking space- right up to a BMW. Yet, each day, there was no annoucement for the winner. But by now I was convinced I could actually have won. I have to admit, I was pretty excited- especially given my previous track record of never winning.

 

After about a week though, the thrilling idea that maybe I could finally have won something "big", had worn off. I began to consider exactly what would happen if I did win. For one, the car is too small. I'm 6'4", have a wife, two kids and a dog. And the M3 is not a very big car. More of a two door sports coupe. Can you imagine trying to pack the family AND groceries into such a tiny car?

 

And what about licensing and registration? Insurance? Vehicle maintenance? The idea of winning the BMW became downright scary. I decided that when I won my BMW I'd have to give it up. Despite turning 42 this month, I'm not going through any mid-life crisis, so I don't need a fast sports car. And why should I tighten up the family budget and make my family suffer for a car we all couldn't ride in together? No, I decided the right thing to do would be to sell the car, and get something roomier than my current Toyota Camry. Like a minivan or something. With DVD players for the kids.

 

And that is precisely when I jinxed myself. Counting my chickens before they hatched. Dreaming about how much the kids would love having a roomy minivan to ride around in and watch DVDs in. All because the Spirit of BMW was stalking me.

 

But you know what? They still haven't announced the winner!

 

And I keep seeing BMWs! Without fail, every time I go out, no matter where I drive, I see BMWs. It's like the Sixth M3 Sense or something. "I see Beemers...."

 

I accept I haven't won the BMW. Really. Clearly, the winner has been notified and they are confirming their eligibility (age, no connection with EA, etc. etc). I'm not depressed or anything. I knew I could never win anything that big. But I did get a great game for free and have enjoyed playing it on my Xbox 360.

 

But why do I keep seeing Beemers?! Is fate taunting me that I didn't win? Can there be that many people in suburban southern Indiana all of a sudden driving BMWs?!

 

When will it end?

 

Can I enter a contest for another car? Will that make it stop? Because there is no way I could ever afford a BMW, and given their size and inherent expensiveness, I don't think I'd ever want one. Heck, if I won the lottery, I wouldn't want a Beemer- despite their perfect manufacturing, I'd opt for something more rugged, roomy and off-roady, like a big-ass SUV. a BMW is NOT a family car.

 

I'm starting to wonder if the whole M3 contest wasn't a precognitive warning of my impending death. Am I about to be run over by a BMW? Is my fate to cross the street and get slammed by some inattentive yuppie Christmas shopper?

 

Aw, Humbug...

Woot.com Saves the Day!

Check out www.woot.com for the best darned survival deal yet! A micro HDTV tuner that plugs into your laptop, enabling you to watch weather reports or keep the kids amused with TV during a power outage! Act fast, these humdingers won't last long at $19.99!!!

Tonight at 8: The Aliens are among us!

(The following article is written entirely tongue-in-cheek, so don't get your panties in a bunch)

 

 

 

Tonight, at 8PM on ABC, the Visitors are coming.

 

A remake of the classic 80s alien-infestation series comes to TV; the tale of aliens pretending to be friendly, but really are here to take over our world and eat us.

 

Sadly, life has imitated art, since the 1980s.

 

I'm talking, of course, about illegal aliens. And their parasitic brain worms.

 

Unlike David Icke, and his outlandish idea that reptilian aliens have infiltrated human government and are slowly working toward taking over the world (a plot he clearly lifted form the 1980s V series), I'm talking about the very real threat of illegal aliens from parts south.

 

First off, where do all these illegals come from? Estimates are that 11,000,000 live in the U.S. That's a pretty huge chunk of any population.

 

Secondly, I don't know about where you live, but the illegals in my area just don't look right. I know I only lived in California for two years, but the hispanic peoples there looked nothing like the folks I see here in sunny, Southern Indiana. There were gorgeous senoritas everywhere I looked in California. But here? Here I've seen a grand total of one, ONE, "gorgeous" senorita in the past two years. Working the drive thru at McDonalds.

 

For one, the illegals around here are tiny. Like, little green men, or "Greys" tiny. And they abduct people- or at least kids. There have been several cases in my county alone of these little brown men molesting children. Small but dangerous.

 

I am constantly passing micro hispanics, or Latinoputians, when I'm out, and I am amazed by how small they are. I don't recall seeing so many tiny people when I lived in California. And while I am heavier than I was those 15 years ago, I didn't get any taller.

 

Then there's the bulbous heads. In Japan, they'd be "super deformed" (look it up, it's a manga reference). They're like toddlers- little bodies, and huge heads.

 

Manners? Well, none of the latinoputians I see in this area seem to have any. They talk in overly loud voices, rambling their native tongue in what would be considered a rude fashion in any land, or language. There are no meek latinoputians I have encountered. I guess it could be called a Napolean-complex, but he was French...

 

I have come to the conclusion that these aliens I'm seeing aren't "mexicans" as so many call them, but replicant Mexicans. Or Mexicants. Sad copies of the hard working, friendly, pleasant, well-mannered, God-fearing people I got to know when I lived in California. Perhaps these mexicants are the dregs of their society, and moved to the mid-west because no one would accept them in California. That would explain the unusually high rate of crime the mexicant communities in our area have.

 

Or maybe they're aliens. Space aliens. Yeah, one of these days, some mexicant woman is going to peel off her face mask, revealing some hideous lizard face. Then she'll eat my hamster.

 

 

 

 

Someone assaulted every 30 seconds?

Okay, I think this is one of the most ridiculous things I've ever read...

 

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1224565/Random-attack-thugs-30-seconds-stranger-assaults-soar-binge-Britain.html#ixzz0Vjkwun38

 

I have a hard time believing EVERY 30 seconds... take, for example, the time period of 3:37:30 to 3:38:00. Does someone really get assaulted at this particular time, every day? Or what about 6:03:00 to 6:03:30... having lived in Europe, I can guarantee you that they are too busy rolling up the sidewalks and boarding up the windows to repel wolfmen and frankenstein monsters to do any assaulting.

 

Poppy cock.

 

Every 30 seconds indeed...

 

For that matter- do all victims have atomic watches? Does any Briton have an Atomic watch? Here in the U.S. Atomic Watches are updated from a radio signal in Kansas. I don't think the signal reackes the U.K.

 

How then do they know the precise time they were assaulted? Oh, sure, they might say, "I was walking down the street at 5;17 and 34 seconds, when suddenly this red-haired blighter with a cricket bat and red on his shirt whacked me in the head"... but really, do they know for sure that was the time?

 

Let's do some math... an attack EVERY 30 seconds means that two attacks are happening every minute. And 120 every hour. And 2,880 attacks every day. According to wikipedia, the U.K. has a populace of 59, 680,000. That means that every Briton is attacked once, every 56 years. Egads! With an average lifespan of 70-something, that means some Britons are being attacked more than once in their lifetimes! Didn't they learn anything the first time? Why can't they defend themselves?!

 

And who's doing the attacking? Those who were themselves attacked? Is this a viral attack-begets-attack situation? I knew the Brits went nuts at soccer games, but geeze...

 

And how many of the people being attacked are children? Infants? Britain sounds like a truly violent place...

 

 

PIRATING THE WINDOWS 7 WHOPPER

Okay, so I was reading the internet today and came across this great article about making your own Windows 7 Whopper here in the States.

What? You haven't heard of the Windows 7 Whopper?

Okay, so what I want to know is, if we Americans are all fat and lazy, why the hell can't I get a Win 7 Whopper here in the U.S. of A?

Taking a cue from Eating the Road, I decided "Screw the Japs- I'm gonna make my own!"

Off I went to Burger King, and at precisely 6:36 PM, I placed my order for four $1 double cheeseburgers, per the above-cited instructions. And some fries. Can't skip those.

Once home I decided to go truly international and drink an RC Cola from our cousins in Canada. Two plates (made in China?) as a prep pad, camera in hand, I set off to enjoy food history.

As you might have guessed, I loves cheeseburgers. They are the perfect food, composed of foods from the Meat Group, Dairy Group and Plant Group (bread). I don't go tainting that lovely meat with any frickin' salad, either. Just burger patties, cheese and bread. (If I'm at Five Guys, I go for some Bacon as well).

In 9 minutes- about the time it seems to take most PCs to boot up- I had leisurely eaten my Pirated Win7. And the fries. I have to say, I think I like Linux better.

The Win7 wasn't particularly hard to eat. I was a little worried about the size- the dentist having told me recently I might have TMJ (probably from all the beef jerky I gnaw on regularly). But I was able to take a shark-sized bite. It just wasn't all that great. For one, Burger King tends to flash-fry the outside of their burgers, while the inside is mushy. Perhaps from freezer burn. And their stupid flame broiling also tends to burn away a lot of the liquid flavor (or "grease" as some people call it), leaving a sorry, beefy sponge-like structure. What's more, tampering with the bread-to-beef ratio does not produce good results. Much like a pizza, with balanced amounts of dough, sauce and cheese, a burger must remain balanced in the proportions of meat, cheese and bread.

But was I ate a good copy of the Japanese Windows 7 Whopper?

Well, according to Burger King's website, a flame broiled whopper contains 1/4 pound of meat (one patty), for 670 calories of beefy goodness.The Double Cheesburger is 1/4 pound of meat (two patties) for 510 calories of double beefy goodness.

Hmmm.... so let's see, a Windows 7 Whopper would be 1 and 3/4 pounds of meat, totalling, I'm guessing here, 4500 calories (all the bread isn't eaten).

My Pirated Win7 Burger? Only 7/8 pound of meat, and maybe 1500 calories.

I feel cheated.

And this probably also explains why I didn't think it was such a big deal to eat this thing.

End result: The Japs win. Their delicious Windows 7 is almost twice the burger my Pirated Win7 was. Maybe I can eat two Win7s next time? Then again, I spent $4 on my pirated Win7, whereas in Japan, the Windows 7 Whopper runs $8.

Why can't Google make an Android burger?

TOYS R US: Teasing the Children

Dear Toys R Us,

 

You suck.

 

I have long hated your high prices. Why do toys cost more at your TOY store, than they do at Target or Walmart, stores that don't specialize in toys?

 

But now I hate you even more, because you hurt my daughter.

 

When I was a kid, something I wanted more than anything else was a Speed Racer Mach 5 hotwheel. Unfortunately, they didn't make it. Despite dreaming of one all the time, I never got to play with one until years later, when Johnny Lightning came out with one.

 

So it was with great pleasure that I watched my 4 year old become enamored with Speed and the gang after the recent live action movie and collector's edition of the classic cartoon. I have watched her play with my Mach 5 and Shooting Star for several weeks now. Watched her name those cars Speed and Racer X, and some of my other collectible hotwheels Chim Chim, Spridle etc.

 

On October 24, 2009, I took my 4 year old daughter to your store to pick out a Halloween costume. While there, we looked around the store, and she was very excited to see Speed Racer toys. The toys were being re-stocked/rearranged by a TRU employee, and after he finished, we located a Racer X car with action figure. My daughter was very excited to buy this car, as we already have the Mach 5 in a similar scale (1:24th?) from the same movie.

When we went to check out, the item rang up as "unsellable". The TRU employee at the register guessed that it was a recalled toy (possibly lead painted). My daughter did not cry only because I told her we would go to a different store.

Unfortunately, we were unable to find ANY other Speed Racer toys at the other stores in the area we went to. My daughter was quite upset, and talked about "her" Speed Racer car all weekend.

As a parent, I can assure you this kind of crap guarantees me never wanting to shop your store again. You cannot put toys out that are not for sale, and not expect children to be upset. Especially when a parent agrees to buy the toy and lets the child carry it up front or pay for the toy themselves. It's like waving food at zoo animals and not giving them any.

Your store owes my daughter an apology- unfortunately, this will not ease her anguish, nor will she understand. She doesn't understand lead-based paint or toy recalls. All she understands is that she wants a Racer X car with a little person to put in it, that she had it in her hand, and the store wouldn't sell it to her.

XBOX Game Review: Need For Speed SHIFT

Perhaps this review isn't the timeliest out there, but I just got my copy of this game yesterday- I won it in EA's M3 Missions Twitter contest. A nice suprise to come home to after a shitty day at work. I had me some road rage all pent up and this was a perfect way to unleash it.

 

Now maybe it's from watching too much Speed Racer as a kid (I grew up in the 70s), but for me, racing and wrecking go hand in hand. And Shift does not disapoint in this area. In fact, you are rewarded for "aggressive" driving, and score points for smashing, spinning and otherwise muscling the other cars out of your way. Or, if if you go for the kindler, gentler, Speed Racer approach, you also get points for precision driving...

 

Let me back up a sec (heh, heh). The game has AMAZING graphics. They accomplish this by not letting you free roam. That's right, this is a track-to-track game, like most of the other Need For Speed series. NFS: Most Wanted is going to stay my favorite in the series, precisely because it does let you roam a whole city: street racing, eluding the police, or in my twisted case, ramming hapless motorists on their daily commutes- when I'm not driving through gas pumps or buildings, that is.

 

The cars, and enviroment in SHIFT are near-photo realistic. And yes, the cars take damage, but not very realistically. Yes, you can peel off your fenders, and apparently warp your frame, and yes, your car will pull one way or the other after major collisions, but really, I'm unimpressed. I want to see glass exploding out of the windows on impact. I want to see liquids spray out from the cars, like blood in a FPS. Dammit, I want to see a stray wheel rolling down the course. Flat Out: Ultimate Carnage has all that, but with crappy graphics and arcade car handling.

 

I will say there is one impact-feature of SHIFT that's fairly cool; on really, really hard collisions, your vision blurs and you hear your heartbeat and it takes a few seconds to recover (your vision, not the car). This is like so many FPS shooters where you take damage and have to pause to "heal". I take it this is to reinforce that they want you to drive these cars First Person, in the cockpit, not 3rd person, R/C style like I do.

 

The game starts with a practice race- you get one test lap in a souped up BMW, and the game judges your skill based on your performance. You can choose to override the skill level the game selects for you, or "lock in" your settings. Then it's on to a real race in your loaner car. How well you finish determines the amount of cash prize you get to buy your first car and any mods to it. And thankfully you don't get docked for repairs on the loaner. I messed that sucker up.

 

The goal of SHIFT is to race your way through the brackets, and four "tiers" (classes) of races, until you enter the big race at the end- a storyline that is right out of the Speed Racer movie.

 

An interesting thing I should note is that you can buy any car in the game with MS Points- rather than unlock and earn cars later. However, to not let people (like myself) get too carried away, you have to earn money for car improvements. So no buying a Bugatti $1.2 million car and smashing your opponents in the dust. Nope, they can spend the MS Points and buy the same car. Or soup it up better than your stock, cheater car. This is a great feature for casual gamers like me that don't have the time to unlock all the cars the first week after the game is released.

 

With this feature then, it is advisable that when you earn your starter money, the smart move is to buy your chosen Tier 1 car, then use all those funds to jack it up. It made quite a difference for me.

 

Now, as I mentioned earlier, when you race, you get points for driving precisely, or aggressively. These points count toward your Driver Level. Driver Levels unlock car enhancements and tracks. In one hour of Racer X car smashing last night (4 races) I easily made it to Level 3.

 

Oh, and your car is repaired between races, free of charge.

 

Car customizing is a little on the ignorant side in this game. You can paint the car any color you like, but you get very limited vinyl application choices. Making my Honda the Shooting Star was a challenge until I reached Level 3 and unlocked Primitive Vinyl shapes (squares, circles and so far). By using the stretch, move, resize tools, i was able to do a passable job on the 'Star. Alas, I haven't earned number decals yet, so I have big yellow Xs on the doors right now instead of Rex Racer's 9.

 

I was hoping this game would allow custom painting- where instead of filling body panels with a chosen color, I could use airbrushing tools and paint it truly however I wanted. So much for my dream of a camoflage car to park across the track sideways for spectacular collisions.

 

As for the collisions, I got to enjoy some pretty cool ones. Sideswipes lifted several opponents up on two wheels, but I was never quite able to flip anyone like the start up animation sequences show. PITT moves didn't work so well either. However one impact, I slammed on the brakes and watched the other car spin out of control down the track ahead of me. Gunning it, I was able to t-bone him right off the track as the AI driver recovered. Very satsifying.

 

Hopefully, the Multiplayer mode will be just as satisfying, and people won't bitch about me ramming them. It is a major component of the game to drive aggressively.

 

All in all, I'd say this is a pretty good game. I wish it had the Pursuit modes of some prior NFS games. Or pedestrians I could send flying. And while this is clearly a game for Racers, not Wreckers, I'm going to enjoy it quite a bit. I mean, geez, it was free.