Thursday, April 22, 2010

THOR'S DAY RANT: The Earth is NOT Your Mother

Well, here we are again: Earth Day. When a bunch of tree-hugging imbeciles suffering from cosmic napolean complexes showcase their delusions of global-impacting grandeur.
Hey, Hippies, if you want to skip baths, stroll around barefoot and smoke weed while looking for trees (or whales) to hump, that's fine. But stop trying to convince me it will amount to anything. Moreover, please stop declaring our planet "Mother Earth". Did the Earth uncomfortably carry you around for nine months, then go through intense pain to squeeze you out an opening that on first inspection seemed woefully small for the task?
Do you call your house, Mother House? Do you call you state, Mother State? Just because you live on this planet (and trust me, I am not thrilled about you being here) doesn't make the Earth your parent. I'd bet money if the Earth were a living thing (instead of being covered with them) it would be quite embarrassed by you. It wouldn't put your picture out for the other planets to see. It wouldn't brag about you at galactic bingo. It'd talk about your successful corporate brother- the one with the big Audi, expensive suits and key to the executive washroom.
Stop calling it "Mother Earth". It's an insult to your own mother. Who has her own holiday.
I refuse to celebrate "Earth Day". Instead, I'm going to celebrate "Jelly Bean Day". Makes more sense.
Don't get me wrong, I live here on the Earth, and like the crying indian of the '70s, I'm all against pollution. Because I don't like to see or smell it. But I fully realize that we humans are about as threatening to the earth as a grain of sand is to the moon.
Think about it- assuming you can put down the weed long enough for your brain cells to fire up again. The Earth is 12,000 miles in diameter. It is believed to weigh 5,973,600,000,000,000,000,000,000 kg. I say believed, because there isn't a scale big enough to really weigh the Earth.
In comparison, the average human is between 5 and 6 feet tall- basically 1/1000 of a mile. The average human weighs between 54 and 73 kg. Assuming the numbers are right, there are 6,816,300,000 people in the world. That's about 436,243,200,000 kg (average weight of 64 kg X population). Or 1/13,693,279,355,099 of the Earth's mass. That's right. All of mankind is about 13 trillionths the size of Earth. But we can affect the Earth. Riiiiiiiight.
Let's hold off on the argument about whether people can affect the Earth for a minute. Let's look at some other hippie causes in the past.
Communism. Karl Marx invented it- the preferred hippy form of government, where everyone is treated equally, no one is expected to excel, and no one gets to own anything. The Russians put it to practical use- forming the Soviet Union. I'm sorry, the FORMER Soviet Union. Hitler tried using the watered-down form of socialism, Nazism. Didn't work so swell for him, or Germany, either. B. Hussein Obama is trying Socialism in the U.S. right now. And his approval rating is plummeting daily.
Saving the rainforest. Funny how in the 1970s, they were predicting Brazil would be a desert by now. Funnier still that archaeologists have since discovered that the Amazon wasn't always a thick jungle. There was actually a civilization there with canals, roads and huge tracts of clear cut areas for farming.
Saving the Whales. Spend boo-coo bucks on an Earth-friendly ship and try to use it to block Japanese whalers. Result: the whalers rammed the boat, knocking a large portion of it off and sinking it. Whaling continues. And so do the whales, coincidentally.
See, the hippy track record just doesn't impress me. There are no successes. And since I know the Earth isn't my mother- more of where I keep my stuff- I'm not too concerned about going green. In fact, my answer to all this Earth Day nonsense is:
Revelations 21:1 "And I saw a new heaven and a new earth: for the first heaven and the first earth were passed away; and there was no more sea."
That's right- the ultimate recycling. After Judgement Day, God is going to recycle the Earth, providing us a fresh, new clean, and hopefully, hippy-free world to live on.
So hippies, have some Jelly Beans and shut up allready.

No comments: