Monday, October 26, 2009


Okay, so I was reading the internet today and came across this great article about making your own Windows 7 Whopper here in the States.

What? You haven't heard of the Windows 7 Whopper?

Okay, so what I want to know is, if we Americans are all fat and lazy, why the hell can't I get a Win 7 Whopper here in the U.S. of A?
Taking a cue from Eating the Road, I decided "Screw the Japs- I'm gonna make my own!"

Off I went to Burger King, and at precisely 6:36 PM, I placed my order for four $1 double cheeseburgers, per the above-cited instructions. And some fries. Can't skip those.

Once home I decided to go truly international and drink an RC Cola from our cousins in Canada. Two plates (made in China?) as a prep pad, camera in hand, I set off to enjoy food history.

As you might have guessed, I loves cheeseburgers. They are the perfect food, composed of foods from the Meat Group, Dairy Group and Plant Group (bread). I don't go tainting that lovely meat with any frickin' salad, either. Just burger patties, cheese and bread. (If I'm at Five Guys, I go for some Bacon as well).

In 9 minutes- about the time it seems to take most PCs to boot up- I had leisurely eaten my Pirated Win7. And the fries. I have to say, I think I like Linux better.

The Win7 wasn't particularly hard to eat. I was a little worried about the size- the dentist having told me recently I might have TMJ (probably from all the beef jerky I gnaw on regularly). But I was able to take a shark-sized bite. It just wasn't all that great. For one, Burger King tends to flash-fry the outside of their burgers, while the inside is mushy. Perhaps from freezer burn. And their stupid flame broiling also tends to burn away a lot of the liquid flavor (or "grease" as some people call it), leaving a sorry, beefy sponge-like structure. What's more, tampering with the bread-to-beef ratio does not produce good results. Much like a pizza, with balanced amounts of dough, sauce and cheese, a burger must remain balanced in the proportions of meat, cheese and bread.

But was I ate a good copy of the Japanese Windows 7 Whopper?

Well, according to Burger King's website, a flame broiled whopper contains 1/4 pound of meat (one patty), for 670 calories of beefy goodness.The Double Cheesburger is 1/4 pound of meat (two patties) for 510 calories of double beefy goodness.

Hmmm.... so let's see, a Windows 7 Whopper would be 1 and 3/4 pounds of meat, totalling, I'm guessing here, 4500 calories (all the bread isn't eaten).

My Pirated Win7 Burger? Only 7/8 pound of meat, and maybe 1500 calories.

I feel cheated.

And this probably also explains why I didn't think it was such a big deal to eat this thing.

End result: The Japs win. Their delicious Windows 7 is almost twice the burger my Pirated Win7 was. Maybe I can eat two Win7s next time? Then again, I spent $4 on my pirated Win7, whereas in Japan, the Windows 7 Whopper runs $8.

Why can't Google make an Android burger?

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